The “us” was more important than either the “me” or “you.”

My wife and I were married 63 years. She died July 15th. I may not know a lot about marriage, even as a Marriage and Family Therapist. However, I do know that it is important to always value and respect what drew you to your spouse. That which drew you together was probably different than what you possessed. The differences drew you and after a while, if we didn’t learn to handle them carefully, they became a problem. My wife loved structure and organization. She set goals and knew the steps to achieve them. I, on the other hand, loved flexibility and a laid-back spirit. I was a “go-with-the-flow” person. There were times she wished I was more like her and times I wished she were more like me. Such may have made our relationship easier, but it would have also been boring. We learned to honor and respect our differences. The “us” was more important than either the “me” or “you.” We also believed that when we sought God’s guidance, God would give one of us part of the answer and the other part of God’s response to the spouse. We had to honor, respect and seek God’s guidance through our mutual conversations and commitments. Neither of us had God’s compete answer. The “us” was more important than either the “me” or “you.”

A Rule for My Living

I am an 84-year-old, recently widowed, male. I am in good physical and mental health. I have sufficient financial resources. I need to work for the meaning and purpose which my present work gives me, i.e., spiritual psychotherapist. I am in what the Hindu’s call “the Forest Dweller” stage of development. Forest dwellers “are invited to become mature Elders, Sophias … who turn aging into a natural monastery [i.e., my home = hermitage] in order to carry tensions for the young, offer prophecy to the world, radiate God’s compassion, work at rescuing God from narrowness, bless the young, give God’s smile to the world, give up on fear, and proactively prepare to move to a place beyond the illusion of self-sufficiency.” Rohleiser, Insane for the Light, pg.93. Erick Erickson would label my stage of life as integrity vs. despair, which follows, and continues to involve, generativity vs. stagnation. Integrity means to have lived as God desired for me. Therefore, I have a few rules or guidelines for my living during these times in my life: 1. I will go to bed early and wake up early. 2. I will eat a healthy but simple breakfast, lunch and supper which minimizes salt, sugar, red meat, carbs, etc. I will eat slowly and in moderation. 3. I will read books that are ‘classics’ ex. Merton, Nouwen, Jung, Hillman, Eckhart, Evagrius, Cassian, etc. I desire to read works that challenge my ideas, thoughts, etc. I will purchase books on Kindle, as I am giving away my physical library. 4. I will live simply and not give in to coveting, envy and/or greed. This will involve setting work-home schedules with margins and empty times. I will seek to choose clothing, furniture, etc. that are not made in countries with child/slave labor. 5. I will set aside no less than fifteen minutes each day for mindful silence. 6. I will set aside no less than fifteen minutes each day with pray and praying that the Bible will read me. I believe God’s word is so alive it can find me with guidance and wisdom when I am ready. 7. I will journal daily and my journaling will be a written prayer asking God what shall we do with the opportunities before us as well as what we have done with those opportunities? Note the “we” as I am seeking to practice the presence of God and the “we” helps my attentiveness. 8. I will not do #s 5, 6 and 7 every day of the week otherwise I could develop obsessive compulsive disorder (even God took a break, i.e., sabbath). 9. My Rule of Living is a work in progress so it will change as God grants me new experiences and guidance.

My Monastery

I now live in my monastery. My wife died in July 2026. Our son is grown and has his own family. I have no pet. Judy’s death and my acceptance of silence and solitude have resulted in long times of silence and solitude, my monastery. Maybe it is more than a monastery; it is a hermitage. So, what shall I do in or with my monastery/hermitage? This is not the question I urge my clients, (clients, a word I do not like but that’s for another journal or blog), rather they are friends, fellow journeypersons, Soul friends, etc. I urge them to ask, “What shall we (God and I) do with our monastery/hermitage? We, God and I, are in this together, the silence, solitude and making our way together on a very real and daily basis. First, I’ve learned from much reading, especially Merton, that a spiritual life is first of all a life. Today, a Saturday in late August, I’m doing some laundry as well as cutting up some vegetables and chicken for a stir-fried lunch and, if I don’t eat too much, also some supper. I sit quietly; the only noise is the turning of the dryer. I’m grateful for that dryer, otherwise I would build a laundry line in the back yard; “no”, I would purchase a dryer. There is noise in my mind as I write this journal blog. My mind is active with various words, phrases and thoughts being present and evaluating almost without my conscious thinking. I am grateful for an active mind; at least this morning, I’m grateful for my active mind. There are other times when my active mind becomes a distraction to my desire to have a silent or quiet mind. I wonder if God’s mind is sometimes quiet and silent. Jesus often went off quietly to pray, and I wonder, if during prayer, Jesus’ mind was active or quiet. I believe prayer is both active and quiet. Discernment is learning when to have mental or verbal words and when to be mentally silent and quiet. Having a silent mind during prayer is difficult but a discipline I believe God is asking me/us to develop. In my monastery/hermitage, I am constantly aware of discernment, such as “Lord, what shall we do now or is this a time to do nothing?” I’m learning that I need more “doing nothing” so that God can deepen my sense of being. I’m certain I’m too dependent upon ‘my doing’ for my identity, such as achievement versus fruitfulness, too often I think they are both the same, but I also know that they are not the same. I’m, also certain that God desires for me times of doing nothing so I can learn to be dependent upon God. Doing nothing is a challenge to my wanting to be in control. Consciously I know I am not in control of nearly as much as I think I can or want to control. I desire to be more careful because my conscious mind and intention can lead me astray from what God desires for me. Unfortunately, my regular habits, patterns, routines, etc. can overwhelm my attention to God’s desires for me. Too often I don’t even think or ask, “God what shall we do?” Rather, I just take off doing what I have in mind and hope God will ‘hang in’ with me, maybe even bless my activity. I know that is not the Biblical pattern, but it is what I often do.

Left-Brain Preaching

During these years of my wife’s illness and eventual passing, we’ve listened to and watched (thanks to You Tube and TV) a lot of worship services. I have been fascinated by the diversity of preaching. It seems to me most preaching is a left-brain activity. The left brain is where our logical or rational work takes place. It is important that our theology be rational. We want to understand (a left-brain desire) the scriptures and make sure that we are right with our beliefs. Emotion seems like a second thought to a sermon. Emotions are usually activitated by stories. Unfortunately, the stories are usuall given to support the logical or rational conclusion of the sermon. Emotions are how people connect with each other. Jesus’ stories or parables contained a lot of emotions if we can ‘feel’ his parables and not only understand them. The worship services that my wife and I kept returning to were a balance of left-brain and right-brain. The music stirred our emotions, and they contained good theology with their words. The preaching was a balance of left and right brain activity. Those worship services challenged our thinking and touched our hearts.

Relationship, not efficiency

I have begun work after a long-extended absence. I chose to call the folks to see about rescheduling. I could write an email or text. Emails and texts could certainly convey the appropriate information. However, I like to hear a person’s voice. No two voices are the same. The voice carries something unique about the person and that person’s personality. I am interested, not only in conveying appropriate information but hearing their unique voice. Calling may be more ‘work’, but my desire is not efficiency but relationship.

Experiencing Grief

My wife of 63 years died five days ago. I have taught grief work in two seminaries as well as countless churches. Experiencing grief and teaching about it are different things. When I am asked about myself, I respond “I’m okay, I’m not okay and that’s okay.” I know that grief lasts forever but, also, grief is not permanent. I’m lonely in our home and I welcome solitude. I listen to quiet instrumental music and have little interest in television. I don’t care who won Jeopardy and I have no interest in international or national events about which I can do nothing. The preacher preached about the good life in Jesus. I believe that most days but not currently. I cannot comprehend that my wife, who was so alive and vital, now exists in a dimension where I can’t reach her--not yet. It may be true that I am learning by experiencing something I need to learn; however, I really did not want to know whatever this new learning is, and especially not this way. Our home is quiet and that’s okay and it is not okay.

A Christian Nation?

Today’s Lexington NBC television station reported 20% of families in a nearby county lived at or under the federal poverty income. The news story was about a nonprofit providing food for children. That county has two fine universities and several large manufacturing plants. That county is not one which I would consider a ‘poverty county.’ I find this news frustrating and alarming. How can that be in the USA with all the money our government spends? Jesus talked about taking care of the poor, children and widows. Politicians and others talk about the USA being a Christian nation. If you want the USA to be a Christian Nation, I recommend you find out what being a Christian Nation means. Check the references of the One after whom we are called Christian, i.e., Jesus & Matthew 25:31-46. A “Christian Nation” takes care of the poor, children and widows.

80% Old-Fashion

I just took an MSN on-line survey and learned I am 80% “old-fashion”. By the way, if you believe the accuracy of such online surveys, there is some ocean front property in Oklahoma in which you might be interested. Back to the survey, I am 84 years of age, so a large portion of me ought to be old-fashion. I failed 20% of the questions because I read books from my kindle and/or laptop rather than only physical books. I also send emails and texts more often than I write handwritten notes. I do, however, write handwritten cards and letters so I may be more old-fashioned than 80%. The survey did not give me an idea of finding one’s purpose or meaning of being old-fashioned. I still go to work regularly as a psychotherapist and I’m more concerned with an elderly person’s sense of meaning and purpose rather than if they read physical books. I hope they are still reading!

Seeking Progress, not Perfection

I am learning that my ideas, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, theories, etc. are mine, not because they are correct and yours are less than correct, but because, at this time in my life’s evolution, maturing, growing, developing, etc., they are helpful and useful in my living. I am, however, not so attached to my present ideas, opinions, thoughts, beliefs, theories, etc. that I think you must agree with me, because tomorrow I may have some different type of life experiences which will motivate me to change some of these ideas, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, theories, etc. My primary desire is not to be right, although I seek not to be too wrong, but my hope is to mature, grow and develop. I am seeking progress not perfection.

Church, a Den of Robbers?

The great movement of Desert fathers and mothers out to the desert happened in the 300’s. Why, what happened? Constantine, the Ruler, made Christianity the national religion. In 312 he saw the vision of the cross at the Battle of Milvian Bridge (312 CE), which he won and intrepreted as a call for everyone to become Christian. Christianity was no longer a persecuted religion. One of the reasons the desert fathers and mothers went to the desert was because they were disappointed with the Christians who were not longer fearful of being arrested. Christianity became their national religion. It was safe, easy, comfortable and even culturally expected. Cultural and society expectations became more influential than the teachings of scripture, and especially the gospels. Those desert fathers and mothers went to the desert to pray the Psalms (7 times a day, Psalm 119:164) and to make a serious effort to live as Jesus taught and modeled for them (and us). Jesus said Church was to be a place for prayers and he was paraphrasing Isaiah. “My house shall be a house of prayer for all the peoples" Isaiah 56:7. In Matthew 21:23, Jesus added, “but you are making it a den of robbers.” Ouch! Perhaps Jesus was saying we’ve made Church a “den of robbers” because we have stolen prayers from the Church by insisting own our ideas of what Church should be doing. We are to gather in community, church, primarily for prayer. Jesus said so! Bible study, preaching, praise, evangelism, fellowship, youth retreats, etc. are not bad, but they steal the time and focus for prayers. The temptation is for society and culture to be the primary influence about who the Church is to be and what it is to be doing.

“What are you asking or expecting someone else to do for you that you need to be doing for yourself?”

Dr. James Hollis, a Jungian therapist and author, asks the question, “What are you asking or expecting someone else to do for you that you need to be doing for yourself?” There is a ‘child complex’ in everyone who wants others to take care of them, for example, “Daddy, make the bad person go away.” Or “Mommy, kiss it and make it well.” That magical child is alive in each of us and if we are not careful still sends us messages. Its adult messages may not be in such child like language because it uses more adult language such as, “God will heal me” which motivates me to put off seeing a physician. Or “I don’t need to financially plan for the future because the government will take care of me when I retire.” “I want a job in which someone else makes the hard decisions.” My father would occasionally say of someone who seem to always have something wrong or at least a good excuse, “Son, I think that person makes good use of his ________.” When I sometimes ask Hollis’ question in my therapy practice, clients usually seem stunned by the question, as if they wouldn’t do that, but then upon reflection they often bring in a list, with which ‘growing up’ or reconciliation as maturing and healing may begin. “What are you asking or expecting someone else to do for you that you need to be doing for yourself?”

Mother Complex?

Today, May 19th, is a primary election in Kentucky. I fear most of the candidates have pledged themselves to one person, who is the President. I want Kentucky candidates to pledge themselves to the citizens of Kentucky. They are to work for us, not the President; not the President of any specific political party. I like it when no one political party has all the power, so they must work together, sharing power, even compromising their individual preferences for the greater common good. I like it when there are no professional political individuals; those who stay in office for a long time. If elected, serve your term, then return home and get off the government’s payroll. As a therapist, I wonder if we have become so fearful that we’ve regressed to trust someone who promises to take care of us. We often label this a ‘mother complex’. I have heard a lot elected officials, as well as candidates, telling us that we need to be afraid and only they can protect us. Such lies only encourage our ‘mother complexes’ and that is not healthy for the individual or the nation.

Solitude

Solitude does not necessarily mean being all alone although that is something to desire occasionally. Inner solitude means I am not caught in my past nor distracted by the future. I am also not caught by whomever may or may not be around me, either physically or in my mind. I can be in a physical place where there are no others around me and still have a crowd of voices in my mind, all of which want my attention. Solitude does not mean that I ignore those who are around me physically. I can be courteous and recognize their presence even in the grocery market. When we have parted, I can return to my solitude and, yes, my grocery list. Solitude means that I am not in a hurry; I relish the moment. Solitude means I am comfortable being with myself and being my friend.

Politically? It doesn't feel good.

I am discouraged by all the political ads and talk as individuals seek votes prior to the elections. I’ve never supported the idea of political careers. I’ve believed politicians needed to serve out their allotted term, such as four or six years, and then return home to make, what my grandfather called, “an honest living.” I am especially discouraged with want-to-be politicians whose goal is to give full support to one person, i.e., the president. I believe elected individuals are to represent the people of their district, state, etc., not one individual, i.e., the President or a political party. Something is terribly wrong when you spend millions of dollars to have a job that might pay two hundred thousand dollars. Who is paying the millions and what do they expect/want/demand for their “investment”? Our political system is not on a good track, and I’m very worried where it might be taking us.

Maybe the symptoms are not what it is about

Maybe the symptoms are not what it is about. Could headaches be about your trying to live a life that is not in keeping with the values that you own? Could indigestion be the result of trying to “swallow” a truth with which you do not agree? Could not being able to balance the checkbook by an indication of financial issues that you do not want to address? A friend recently told me she has ceased going to a particular Church because she came home sick to her stomach every Sunday. She also said, “I can’t swallow what that Church believes.” When she said this, she stopped talking, eyes wide open and asked, “Did you hear what I just said?” It wasn’t as important that I heard her, she heard herself. She has made some Church changes, and her indigestion has significantly minimized. She laughs as she reports she still needs to pay attention to her diet. Sometimes our symptoms are trying to tell us something very important about our lives and we need to listen to them. It might be as we listen to the symptoms and make appropriate adjustments, the symptoms would go away because they have been heard.

Befriending Anxiety

Anxiety can be a friend. God created humanity and called it “very good.” Humans, as also with other animals, are warned of a potentially threatening or distressing situation by means of the amygdala. This small gland sits atop our spinal cord at the base of the brain, and it was divinely created as a warning system. I’ve a friend who called it the “check engine light.” It warns us of potentially threatening situations, and our prefrontal cortex or rational thinking part of our brain takes notice and decides whether the situation is really threatening or just inconvenient. If it is threatening, our brain and nervous system gets ourselves prepared to fight, flight/run or freeze. Our task is to learn from our anxiety but not let it overwhelm us. We can learn to befriend anxiety. Unfortunately, there are those among us who seem to worry all the time. If they are not worried about something, they are worried because they aren’t worried. We can befriend our anxiety, learn from it and be grateful that we have been created with such a warning system.

Being Inconvenienced by an Inconvenient Situation

Recently our beautiful city, Lexington, Kentucky, had an experience of snow on top of which fell ice which was topped by snow. The city was immobilized for several days. Now that spring is almost here, some citizens of our wonderful city are calling against the mayor. The leader of the City’s department of road has been dismissed. Could the city have done more to clear the road? I really don’t know as this recent event was most unusual. In the past when it snowed only, the city folks did very well. My sense is that citizens have too high expectations. I often wonder if their personal expectations of themselves are as high as their expectations of other. I suspect they give themselves more grace than they give others. What has happened to us that we think we should not be inconvenienced by an inconvenient situation?

Life's Cycle

There is a cycle to life, a beginning and an ending. At least an ending to this earthly life. Today I received pictures of an infant who was born yesterday. His mother is a colleague at the Counseling Center, and we have prayed for her well being as well as the arrival of this beautifully innocent young child. He is full of enormous potential far beyond our imagination. Today I also received a phone call from a friend of many years to share that her mother, whom I have known fondly for fifty plus years, has entered Hospice and begun the ending of her beautiful and meaningful life. Indeed, there is a cycle for this process of living. It is a cycle of which we have minimal control. We can, however, accept and appreciate every season in life’s cycle.

2026's Lenten Journey

Today is Ash Wednesday or the beginning of Lent for 2026. The time between Ash Wednesday and Easter or Resurrection is frequently called the Lenten journey. It is the personal and inner journey toward a more Christ-like living. Perhaps we could make this journey more profitable in addition to giving something up for Lent, if we were to add something for Resurrection or First Fruits as I Corinthians 15:20 teaches about our resurrection after death. It would be healthy if we gave up sweets, carbs, etc. or at least reduced our intake as most Physicians recommend. It would also be spiritually healthy if we began a morning of quiet times. If we already have a quiet time, perhaps we might add 15 minutes. Maybe we would be moved to begin a spiritual journal which asks the questions (1) how did I experience God’s presence during this day and (2) how have I experienced and expressed thankfulness this day? We could also begin to prayerfully read the Psalms or the Gospel of John during our Lenten journey. My pray is we open ourselves to what God might choose to do with us during this Lenten journey of 2026.

The Effortfulness Flow of Divine Creativity

I have recently learned a new word or concept, “lila” (leela). This is a Sanskrit word/concept that means the Divine acts of creation, from the first creation as well as the on-going acts of creation, are joyful, playful, effortfulness, dancing, peaceful, non-competitive sporting, etc. of the Divine. When I’m working too hard and/or too concerned about how something “should” happen, I may be getting in the way of 'lila' and out of the effortfulness flow of Divine creativity of which I am only a conduit, not its creator. Often I make ‘stuff’ harder than it needs to be.

Patience

This January 2026 very cold time with snow and ice on the ground and roads has kept me in the house and away from the Counseling Center for the entire week. It has been an interesting learning experience. I am learning, as well as re-learning, that I learn patience by being patient.

The Soul of America is Being Attacked

I grew up with the instructions “If it can’t stand the light of day, don’t do it.” The ICE agents cover their faces and some even wear dark sunglasses. I think this is to protect themselves from being known. They cannot stand the “light of day.” What ICE agents are doing is wrong. When someone is on the ground, ICE agents do not need to be hitting and kicking him and then shooting him. When a lady drives away in her automobile, it would be easy to get a license tag number and go to her house. She does not need to be shot and killed. When a 5-year-old child watches his father being arrested and left to stand alone at the car’s bumper, that is not right. An elderly man does not need to be brought outside in his underwear with television cameras watching his forced immodesty. None of these actions are what I would expect from Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, etc. There is no way to make actions such as these lawful or moral. The ICE agents need to go home. The Congress needs to overcome their fear of Mr. Trump and make America great again, i.e., a moral lighthouse for the world. Churches, priests, pastors, preachers, etc. need to overcome their fears of financial demise and speak ‘truth to power’ as a prophet. The national character and morality of America is being attacked.

National Prejudice

I have both experienced prejudice and I am still prejudiced but trying to deal with what causes my prejudice or uncomfortableness. My brother is developmentally disabled. In the 1940’s, when he was born, they labeled him, ‘retarded’. The use of labels can be symptoms of prejudice. I have been with my brother in the grocery store’s aisle when another person entered the other end of the aisle and upon seeing us, they turned around to enter a different aisle. Did they turn around because they had entered the wrong aisle or did my brother’s presence make them uncomfortable? Prejudice seeks comfort; not challenges to our expectations or the status quo. I am fearful that underneath the desire to ‘Make America Great Again’ is really the desire to ‘make America prejudiced again’ so we do not have to deal with our personal and national prejudices.

A Disquieted Soul

It is one of the Biblical words that speaks in a visual manner and says so much with only one word. Writing about the soul, the question is “Why are you disquieted within me?” (Psalm 43:5, NRSV) Disquieted, that is a visual description of those times when my soul, my essence, personality, etc. is worried, anxious, confused, fearful, alarmed, etc. In other words, “disquieted”. I seem to have a natural talent for a disquieted soul. For example, I can worry about what to say and after I have said it, I then worry about if the other person heard correctly what it was that I wanted to say. A disquieted soul is much like a dog chasing its tail; there is no ending. The Psalmist doesn’t give us a simple step by step process of quieting a disquieted soul. The Psalmist follows the question of a disquieted soul with “hope in the Lord.” Perhaps the lesson for a disquieted soul is to do what seems best at the time and then leave it alone or, in other words, not be so attached to my plans and desired outcome that I am controlled by them.