Counseling 101

“When people dislike some aspect of themselves, rather than changing it, they try to change others who exhibit the same trait.” Haemin Sunim, When things Don’t Go Your Way, page 183 (kindle)

Grateful or Critical?

“Those who are not grateful soon begin to complain of everything.” (Thomas Merton, THOUGHTS IN SOLITUDE, p. 41). If I come home from work and the family has prepared supper, I am grateful and express it or I will complain because it isn’t something else. It is also possible that I just take it for granted, which is certainly not a grateful spirit. A thankful spirit and a critical spirit cannot dwell in the same heart, mind, person. Eventually we become known by one or the other spirit. Our family and friends think of me as a grateful person or a critical person. It is one or the other; not both. A thankful person can criticize some behavior, but I will hear gratitude in his/her tone of voice, choice of words, etc. and be able to accept constructive criticism. The critical person will criticize with a tone of voice and/or words that be-littles; puts the individual down via ‘name’ calling and even feels like a personal attack. It is normal when we feel attacked, to resist and fight back; therefore, an argument. If we feel constantly attacked, we will eventually leave to get away from the critical spirit. A critically spirited person is rarely heard as constructive criticism. I must choose each day, as well as throughout the day, whether I want to have a grateful/thankful or critical/complaining spirit. Over time, my character becomes that spirit I have chosen daily.

Elections and Working Together

The elections are finished. The votes have been counted. The candidates have given their speeches. The commentators are trying to explain what the results mean. It seems to me that the talking has stopped and now the work begins. The candidates who won are now ‘full of themselves’. The reality, as I imagine it, is that the candidates can’t accomplish all he/she promised because he/she will go to their government places and begin to work with a lot of others who have also made promises, many not in line with his/her promises. They will need to learn how to work together or nothing much will happen. I think it is one of the basic lessons in life, we work together, even with those with whom we disagree, or not much gets accomplished. If we are frustrated because we can’t accomplish what we desire, rather than looking at ourselves and asking how we can work together, we spend our energy blaming others. Maybe it isn’t the others who are the problem, but our inability to cease being so ‘full of ourselves’ so we can seek working together. Working together, wasn’t this a kindergarten lesson?

Soul Lonely

My wife and soulmate of 63 years died 3 months ago. I still grieve her loss. I am lonely, but not necessarily for social contact because I am soul lonely. I am grateful for many social friends, and their presence helps but I lost a soulmate; not just a friend. I am learning that season of my life is finished. I recently read this quote for which I am grateful. ‘There comes a time in our lives When we realize that everything we have Can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Let us stay thankful and Never take anything (or anybody) for granted.” [italics are mine] Haemin Sunim. When Things Don’t Go Your Way. Page 31.

Energies are powerful

Energies are powerful. We see the powerful, sometimes destructive, energy in the wind, i.e., tornados and hurricanes; water, i.e. floods; fire, i.e., forest fires; etc. In the 3rd century St. Evagrius, a hermit, described eight energies of the human spirit. Those energies were: gluttony, lust, greed, sadness, anger, acedia, vainglory and pride. When these energies are out of control, they are destructive. When a person’s anger is out of control or not tempered, it is hurtful and the hurt may linger for years. Lust can bring a couple together but if it is out of control, it becomes sexual abusive, pornography, infidelity, etc. If gluttony is out of control, it creates obesity with serious health consequences. Vainglory helps us to dress and bath appropriately but if it is out of control all the person can only think of him or herself. These human energies need the virtue of temperance or balance. Temperance tames the energy, so it becomes healthy and appropriate. These energies have been created as a part of us, so they won’t go away but they need to be controlled by our higher selves or balanced with temperance.

Prayer Attributed to a Mother Superior (7th Century)

Lord, you know me better than I know myself and that I am growing older, and someday I will be old. Keep me from getting talkative and particularly from the fatal habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to strighten out everybody’s affairs. Keep my mind from the recital of endless details – give me wings to come to the point. I ask for grace enough to listen to the tales of others’ pains but seal my lips on my own aches and pains – they are increasing and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter and sweeter as the years go by. Help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for improved memory, but for growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. I do not want to be a saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old man is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. Make me thoughtful – but not moody; helpful, but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity to not use it all, but thou knowest Lord, that I want a few friends at the end. Amen

Margins

From my childhood, I learned to be just ‘on time’ is to be late. My father, who owned a furniture business, insisted that we open the store, turn on the lights and adjust the temperature before it was offically open. He wanted the store to be welcoming to an early customer. I later learned about ‘margins’ from Dr. Swenson’s book, Margins. In my practice as a psychotherapist, I always put a margin of 15 to 30 minutes between apointments. This may not be the most efficient use of my time, but it fits me. I have time to have a cup of tea, go to the restroom and review notes prior to the next person showing up. Using margins also means that I am ready when it is time to begin. I use margins when I am traveling. I don’t book flights with the least amount of time for a transfer. I don’t mind walking casually between airport gates and watching people. I think using margins also helps my mind to slow down. I like to give myself time to ponder decisions before making them. Practicing margins has helped me slow down and live more fully in the present. I even have time to write a blog— “blog” that’s a funny name. I’ll give myself some time to ponder that name, “blog”, interesting.