Margins

From my childhood, I learned to be just ‘on time’ is to be late. My father, who owned a furniture business, insisted that we open the store, turn on the lights and adjust the temperature before it was offically open. He wanted the store to be welcoming to an early customer. I later learned about ‘margins’ from Dr. Swenson’s book, Margins. In my practice as a psychotherapist, I always put a margin of 15 to 30 minutes between apointments. This may not be the most efficient use of my time, but it fits me. I have time to have a cup of tea, go to the restroom and review notes prior to the next person showing up. Using margins also means that I am ready when it is time to begin. I use margins when I am traveling. I don’t book flights with the least amount of time for a transfer. I don’t mind walking casually between airport gates and watching people. I think using margins also helps my mind to slow down. I like to give myself time to ponder decisions before making them. Practicing margins has helped me slow down and live more fully in the present. I even have time to write a blog— “blog” that’s a funny name. I’ll give myself some time to ponder that name, “blog”, interesting.

"No" to Death Sentences

Yesterday, September 30, 2026, the Tennessee government attempted to put to death, Ms. Christia Pike. They failed, even after two doses of the leathal injection. She did something terrible for which she needs consequences. Life and death, however, are God’s business, not the governments. I have great difficulty with folks who claim “right to life” for the unborn but support the death penalty. I believe “right to life” is right to life for everyone. I pray that in the very near future our government, both State and Federal, will do away with death sentences.

The Grace of Simplicity

The grace of simplicity (The Fifth Season, Mark Nepo). I am nearing the end of my 84th year. My wife of 63 years has died. I am in good physical and mental health. I continue to work as a psychotherapist four days a week. I continue to read daily. I continue to travel. I am enjoying this season of my life. I am, however, working at this grace of simplicity. I am trying more simplicity around the house, which I now refer to as “my hermitage” as there is no one else in the house. I have given away my wife’s clothing, jewelry, etc. I have taken furniture, a bicycle and golf clubs which I no longer use to Habitat’s Restore. My home is a simpler living space. I am eating more simply with more fruits and vegetables with less meat and desserts. I am meeting more friends for lunch as I attempt to balance solitude with socializing. My kids are nearby and we check on each other regularly. I am trying to learn the uniqueness of this season of my life and live it fully.

Liberal?

I have a strong Southern Baptist background. I was raised in a Southern Baptist home and extended Southern Baptist family; I went to Southern Baptist Churches. I have even been the Pastor of two Southern Baptist Churches. I attended a Southern Baptist University and Seminary. However, in recent years I have “fallen out” of the Southern Baptist tribe. Many call me a “liberal” which is used as a derogatory term in describing me and others of like mind. I think labels are stereotyping. Most folks are more complicated than the label describes. One example of my “liberal” thinking and behavior is related to homosexuality. I am very familiar of the Biblical teachings against homosexuality. However, when Jesus was asked about which is the greatest commandment, his answer was none of the famous ten from Moses’ time. His answer was about loving God and neighbors as one’s self, (Matthew 22:36-40 and Mark 12:28-31). Jesus also set the standard: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35). I choose to follow Jesus’ teachings and not make the Bible a codified book of laws. I have chosen to love a gay couple by officiating their marriage; and “Yes, I would do it again.” I think Jesus was present and joined their marriage celebration. Heck, Jesus was in trouble with the ‘official religious folks’ of his time and, I believe he would also be today.

Where Did That Come From?

Complexes are puzzling and complex. According to depth psychologists, such as Jung, Hollis, Hillman, etc., complexes are bundles of energy left over and unprocessed from previous events, etc. We are usually dealing with a complex when our reaction to an event is “over-the-top,” such as too much energy in my reaction and response. When this happens, we usually ask ourselves, “Where did that come from?” It probably came from an emotional complex in our personal unconscious. Our personal unconscious may be imagined as the ‘basement’ of our life, whereas the ‘living room’ is imagined as where we live (these images are the work of the book, PART’S WORK, which I recommend). A complex is some energy that we seek to keep out of our daily living, for example, living room, but is still a part of us. When we ask ourselves, “Where did that come from?”, we need to take some time and honestly search out some answers to our question. In this honest search through our past experiences, we locate those events, etc. where the complex energy is located. When it is located and recognized, it loses much of its power over us and that’s a move toward emotional health for ourselves. This is similar to doing some emotional ‘basement cleaning.’ I wish I were better at recognizing my complexes so I would be less likely to ask myself, "Where did that come from?"

The “us” was more important than either the “me” or “you.”

My wife and I were married 63 years. She died July 15th. I may not know a lot about marriage, even as a Marriage and Family Therapist. However, I do know that it is important to always value and respect what drew you to your spouse. That which drew you together was probably different than what you possessed. The differences drew you and after a while, if we didn’t learn to handle them carefully, they became a problem. My wife loved structure and organization. She set goals and knew the steps to achieve them. I, on the other hand, loved flexibility and a laid-back spirit. I was a “go-with-the-flow” person. There were times she wished I was more like her and times I wished she were more like me. Such may have made our relationship easier, but it would have also been boring. We learned to honor and respect our differences. The “us” was more important than either the “me” or “you.” We also believed that when we sought God’s guidance, God would give one of us part of the answer and the other part of God’s response to the spouse. We had to honor, respect and seek God’s guidance through our mutual conversations and commitments. Neither of us had God’s compete answer. The “us” was more important than either the “me” or “you.”

A Rule for My Living

I am an 84-year-old, recently widowed, male. I am in good physical and mental health. I have sufficient financial resources. I need to work for the meaning and purpose which my present work gives me, i.e., spiritual psychotherapist. I am in what the Hindu’s call “the Forest Dweller” stage of development. Forest dwellers “are invited to become mature Elders, Sophias … who turn aging into a natural monastery [i.e., my home = hermitage] in order to carry tensions for the young, offer prophecy to the world, radiate God’s compassion, work at rescuing God from narrowness, bless the young, give God’s smile to the world, give up on fear, and proactively prepare to move to a place beyond the illusion of self-sufficiency.” Rohleiser, Insane for the Light, pg.93. Erick Erickson would label my stage of life as integrity vs. despair, which follows, and continues to involve, generativity vs. stagnation. Integrity means to have lived as God desired for me. Therefore, I have a few rules or guidelines for my living during these times in my life: 1. I will go to bed early and wake up early. 2. I will eat a healthy but simple breakfast, lunch and supper which minimizes salt, sugar, red meat, carbs, etc. I will eat slowly and in moderation. 3. I will read books that are ‘classics’ ex. Merton, Nouwen, Jung, Hillman, Eckhart, Evagrius, Cassian, etc. I desire to read works that challenge my ideas, thoughts, etc. I will purchase books on Kindle, as I am giving away my physical library. 4. I will live simply and not give in to coveting, envy and/or greed. This will involve setting work-home schedules with margins and empty times. I will seek to choose clothing, furniture, etc. that are not made in countries with child/slave labor. 5. I will set aside no less than fifteen minutes each day for mindful silence. 6. I will set aside no less than fifteen minutes each day with pray and praying that the Bible will read me. I believe God’s word is so alive it can find me with guidance and wisdom when I am ready. 7. I will journal daily and my journaling will be a written prayer asking God what shall we do with the opportunities before us as well as what we have done with those opportunities? Note the “we” as I am seeking to practice the presence of God and the “we” helps my attentiveness. 8. I will not do #s 5, 6 and 7 every day of the week otherwise I could develop obsessive compulsive disorder (even God took a break, i.e., sabbath). 9. My Rule of Living is a work in progress so it will change as God grants me new experiences and guidance.