A Shoe and a Sleeping Device

I have an old pair of canvas shoes. My wife says those shoes are worn out. I say that they are only worn in. She says they need to be thrown away. I only wear them outside such as when I do yard work. A few days ago, the sole came off the left shoe while I was mowing. Thanks to Guerilla glue and an overnight setting, they are now working fine. My Physician recently said that I have moderate sleep apnea and I need a CPAP devise. I am not looking forward to adjusting to a sleep aid but, if that is what is required then “Okay, let’s do it.” The reality is that I like old things, especially myself. Some old things are not ready to be tossed; they only need a few repairs along the way. Remember that you are the Gift and you have gifts that all of us need.

The Need for Self-Discipline Continues

One of my least favorite aspects of this aging process relates to food. My metabolism rate seems to have slowed down significantly so that I cannot eat as in previous years without the scales reporting, “Ugh and Oh No.” My Physician says that I would do better if I significantly reduced carbs, sugars, red meat, and salt. Those limits create a significant handicap in my regular eating as well as my snacking, especially evening snacks. My Physician also says that I would do better with vegetables, fruits, fish, etc. and those need to be served in smaller portions. All of this reminds me that self-discipline is something that will be with me through all my life. It is not something that I learned once upon a time and, then I would no longer have to work at it. No, I must continue learning and re-learning self-discipline. I sure wish God would have created me so that my metabolism was such that I could eat what my eyes and mouth desire throughout all my life. But that is not how it is, so the Lord and I are still working on my self-discipline.

Separation of Church and State

I believe in the separation of Church and State. Unnecessary influence is not good for either. As I celebrate First Fruits, Jesus’ Resurrection or Easter I read the scriptures. It is obvious to any unbiased reader of any of the gospels that Jesus was condemned by a combination of both the religious leaders and the government. Pride of authority can easily destroy the quiet and relational leading of God’s Spirit. Hence, my fear of unnecessary relationship or influence between government and church. I am angered when a Church leader, even at the present time in Russia, endorses the military action of his government. I am frustrated when government leaders successfully legislate their religious ideas with the assistance of selected Church leaders. As a recovering Baptist, I know that my religious ancestors came to this country to get away of ‘State Religion.’ I fear that we may be moving closer toward an inappropriate relationship between church and State.

Go Slower, Cover Less Ground

“Go slow, cover less ground.” This is reported to be a quote from Thomas Merton, although I can’t find the reference source. Thomas Merton, or Father Louis as he was known at the Abbey of Gethsemane where he lived, was a Cistercian Monk. His writings were known for their social engagement as well as spiritual formation. I frequently go to the Abbey of Gethsemane for retreats and spiritual conversation. I often wonder where he would say about today’s issues of abortion, gun control, and homosexuality. I am alarmed by the government and Church leaders hurry to deny legitimate abortions, minimize gun controls as well as the rights of homosexuality and transgendered folks. It also bothers me that the government and Church leaders seem to be older, conservative, white and male. For honesty’s sake, “Yes, I am an older, white male.” These characteristics do not represent the make-up of USA citizens. We are a much more diverse population. I wish we had voces of folks like Thomas Merton today, perhaps if we did, we would proceed slower and, in my opinion make wiser decisions.

Marketing God and the Church

For many years I believed that Church marketing was somehow wrong, maybe even sinful. I didn’t like the idea of having to sell God, God’s church, and God’s stuff like it was another brand of laundry soap. It just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. Then the Pastor with whom I was on staff died. He died unexpectedly, and suddenly I became the Interim Pastor. I also inherited his 7 am, 55 second radio spot, on the community’s largest radio station. Truth be told, I enjoyed writing and doing those almost one minute radio spots, a different one for each day. I purposely steered away from the churchy or religious stuff. No daily Bible devotions. I attempted to talk about real stuff like forgetting your shopping list and coming home with interesting groceries on new labels while forgetting the peanut butter and bread. At the end of those spots, I inherited and used the tag line, “Come and see us at the Church and we’ll talk about things like this.” I inherited, and for sixteen years kept going, a wonderful plan for marketing the church. I guess I never thought of those radio spots as marketing the church, but they were. I still don’t write or like daily devotions. I am more comfortable writing about forgetting the grocery list—you know, real live experiences because that’s where God hangs out.

Marriage, Separation, Divorce? What Shall I Do?

You have been married for twenty years and you describe your marriage and yourself as unhappy. You are considering separation and possibly divorce. You have decided to see a therapist. If you were coming to see me, I would want to know what kinds of losses and transitions you have experienced in these past several years. I would ask that question because statistics indicate that most mid-life separations and divorces are often related to losses and transitions that have not been internally processed. Transitions cause some degree of trauma and more transitions = more traumas. Transition traumas take a heavy cost of which most folks are unaware. Transitions costs are often evidenced: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, sexually, financially, spiritually, etc. Transition traumas are no ‘small matter.’ Unfortunately, we often don’t think of transitions as traumas. One response to trauma is flight. It is the attitude of, “I have to get away because I am unhappy. I want to get away from anything and everyone that reminds me of my situation.” Unfortunately trying to run from our transition traumas doesn’t work because we take the trauma with us—internally. All of us have our transition traumas—they are a part of life. They need to be acknowledged, faced, explored, and ultimately made peace with. They have a lot to teach us. This internal work is much more difficult than adjustment work. Unfortunately, many folks refuse to do this internal work. They remain outwardly ‘okay’ but inwardly they are unhappy, never satisfied, have low-grade anger, and quick to blame others or situations. In a marriage there is no innocent (translated ‘victim’) party. A healthy relationship is a mutual relationship in which (1) we both have internal work to do as well as (2) work on the relationship. When folks refuse to do the internal work, there is usually not much chance of working on the relationship and reconciliation. First, I must be reconciled with myself, which includes all of my life’s history and experiences. Personal reconciliation is always a prerequisite to reconciliation with another.

Happiness = Me and My Shadow

In my work as a psychotherapist I usually hear folks say they are seeking happiness. Usually those folks are looking for a different spouse, job, house, car, etc. in the journey to find happiness. They often blame one of these realities for the fact that they don’t feel happy. I think happiness is an inside job. By inside job, I mean that happiness is to be found within myself. Nobody else and no external things such as a job, house, car, etc. can make me happy. Those things are not unimportant but neither are they as significant as we sometimes want to believe. I suspect there are parts of ourselves and our particular history that we haven’t accepted and with which we haven’t made peace that could be causing us to think we are not happy. Many therapists call those things our “shadows.” I agree. My journey into deeper happiness, and I’ll add the words contentment and peace will involve my acknowledging, accepting, befriending and learning from my shadows.