Having a Future Story

I spend a lot of time in the counseling room with couples whose youngest child is about to leave or has left home.  The issue with most of these couples is that there has been some type of an affair, emotional and/or physical.  Most of these affairs have been with a colleague at work, a friend, a church member, etc.  These affairs almost always begin with trying to help the other during a difficult time.  They've attempted to help but didn't recognize appropriate boundaries.  The couples in my counseling room seem to spend a lot of time trying to figure out the past which involves finding a "cause" or blaming the other, a circumstance, etc.  They have a difficult time focusing on the future.  They've worked well together raising their children, establishing a comfortable home and life-style, supported each other in their education and career development.  However, it is as if their "job" is now finished.  They are partners, but without a common task.  Those common tasks are the building blocks of intimacy along with communication, conflict resolution skills, financial responsibility, mutual accountability, affirmation, affection, etc.  Whatever hope may be, surely it involves having a future story.  The couples I see in the counseling room usually have no significant future story.  Maintenance of the status quo may be important, but it isn't a significant future story.








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Identity

On our recent trip to southwest Oklahoma, we recalled again an important lesson about identity.  No one asked me what I did until I prayed prior to the meal provided the family and friends at the Church.  After the prayer, a couple of folks asked me, "Are you a Preacher?"  I said, "Yes" and then realized no one asked where I was a Pastor or to what denomination I belonged.  Many times, however, we were asked how we were connected to the family.  Identity was family oriented, not work related.  We were Melvin and Alma's oldest daughter and her husband, the daughter that moved away.  We were E.R. and Jackie's niece and husband.  Back in central Oklahoma where I grew up, I was always Russell and Irene's oldest boy.  It didn't matter that I'm 75 years of age and they died in 1986 and 1997, I was always their boy.  I was either Russell and Irene's oldest boy or Hade and Alice's middle grandson.  On my mother's side of the family, I was Ada's second grandson.  My identity was related to the family and birth.  I think it must be like that in God's Kingdom.  It matters whose we are, not so much what we do.  What we do, i.e., vocation, ministry, etc., is important, but it may not be as significant in determining our identity as we often think.  Was something like this what Jesus had in mind when he said to those who've worked for Him, "I never knew you, depart from me" (Matthew 7:21-23)?  My identity is intimately related to my relationship with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  What I do is important, but it isn't the main thing.

Dealing With What Is and Contentment

One of the therapy models I frequently keep in mind when working with some clients is ACT (ACT Made Simple, Russ Harris, M.D.)  I use an unauthorized and "Rick's paraphrase" of his model.  A stands for acceptance of the situation; not as I want it to be but as it really is.  In my personal practice of ACT, acceptance comes most frequently through prayer when I contend with God until God gives me the gift of acceptance.  Sometimes acceptance arrives through the practice of mindfulness.  Acceptance requires getting behind and beyond my wants, dreams, frustrations, anger, etc.  Acceptance isn't easy; whereas the practice of denial and/or avoidance may seem easy; unfortunately they are not only unfruitful but also keep my anxiety, worry, anger, etc. stirred up.   C stands for clarifying my core values.  Values are different than goals.  Values are those qualities I hope will be written or remembered by others as part of my obituary.  Values are who I want to be; whereas goals are what I want to do or accomplish.  T means that I choose to Travel in the direction of my values given my situation.  In other words, I try to  live out my values in the midst of whatever situation I may find myself.  I think this must be what Paul was thinking when he wrote, "I have learned to be content…." (Philippians 4:11)

The Golden Rule

Sydney Harris, the syndicated New York columnist, wrote many years ago of accompanying a friend to a newsstand.  The friend greeted the newsman courteously.  However, he received in return a gruff and discourteous service.  Accepting the newspaper rudely shoved in his face, the friend smiled and politely wished the newsman a nice weekend.  As they walked away, Harris asked, "Does he always treat you so rudely?"  "Yes, unfortunately he does."  Harris was puzzled and inquired, "Are you always so nice to him?"  "Yes, I am" replied the friend.  Pressing the issue, Harris asked, "Why?"  The friend responded, "Because I don't want him or others to decide how I'm going to act."

Some Lessons From 53 Years of Marriage

On Tuesday, August 16th, Judy and I will celebrate 53 years of marriage.  During these many years we've learned some things about marriage.  We've learned those things from the hard knocks of experience as well as being facilitators with the Association for Marriage Enrichment (ACME).  We've also learned much from other couples who have shared with us or let us share with them.  Some of those things we've learned are:

1.   You aren't nearly as great a "catch" as you may think you are.  Most of us "married up."

2.   When God deals with a couple, God will give half the answer to one spouse and the other half of the information to the other.  In this manner God is working to make two individuals become one.  Or, in other words when you are so certain about what God is doing in your family, you might be half-right.

3.   Don't take yourself too seriously.  Have some humor about yourself, your ideas, plans, feelings, thoughts, etc.  Be able to laugh at yourself.  We really are funny folks who say silly things and do comical stuff, especially when we are trying so hard to be 'serious.'

4.   Have fun with each other, especially in the privacy and intimacy of your house.  Just make certain that the blinds are closed. 

5.   Remember that compromise means that neither spouse gets what they want--yep, neither one!

6.   Watch your language.  No, your spouse is not "just exactly like her mother or his father."

7.   Learn to say, "I'm sorry" and mean it.  However, If you are saying "I'm sorry" a lot of times then you may need the discipline of learning how to change a behavior or your spouse may need to learn how to give up the need for control.  Too much control is about anxiety and it is a 'pain' for everyone.  Realize that you aren't in control of nearly as much as you think, wish you were or pretend that you are.
8.   When you have disagreements, the goal is the preservation of the relationship--not to prove whose right and whose wrong.  Losing means that you've won the argument,  "proved" that you were right but, the relationship ends or is significantly diminished  There are a lot of "losers" who are certain that they are "right."

9.    Learn to "get over yourself."  When things aren't going like you want, learn to "get over it" and move on.  No one wants to be around someone who is sulking and/or passive aggressive; this is the attitude that says, "Okay, I'll go to the party, but you can't make me have a good time."  Usually, their behavior gives amply evidence of one's spirit--so, get over yourself.

10.  At least once a day, eat together at the table and talk about the day.  You didn't marry the television, your phone, the computer. newspaper, etc. so turn them off.  Your spouse's day, thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. are more interesting and important than what's on those devices. 

11.  Some things are not to be shared with your close friends, parents, children or in-laws.  Learn to share in such a respectful and trusting attitude so that you can work things out with your spouse.  If you get stuck, find a therapist and the therapist isn't you mother.

A Gyroscopic Personality

Dr. Gardner Murphy, a Psychologist, describes a gyroscopic personality as the ability of an individual to remain stationary when his or her environment is revolving.  It is termed gyroscopic because a gyroscope spins and stays balanced despite the pitching and rolling of the ship or plane in which it is located.  It is the ability to stay upright despite the circumstances.  Too frequently our circumstances overcome us and send us spinning off in a strange direction of thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, etc.  I don't really know how the gyroscope works.  I do know that it is important for stability.  I believe that faith, in a personal God who loves and cares, can help an individual develop a gyroscope personality.  A personality with stability regardless of the circumstances.  Perhaps this was what Paul meant when he wrote, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances." (Philippians 4:11)

But Don't Get Caught

I frequently hear folks talking about what's "right" and what's "wrong" as if their main sense of morality is to have a good time and enjoy life, but don't get caught.  I'm not against having a good time.  If some of these folks did get caught doing some of the activities about which they speak, they might become better persons.  I don't like the concept of a God who seems to be snooping and eavesdropping in order to keep us from having a good time.  I don't think that is a Biblically accurate concept of God.  God isn't out to "get me" or prevent me from having an enjoyable life.  How I behave will not change God; therefore, to keep my sense of wholeness and peace I can be satisfied with nothing less than my best--whether or not I "get caught."