Some Lessons From 53 Years of Marriage

On Tuesday, August 16th, Judy and I will celebrate 53 years of marriage.  During these many years we've learned some things about marriage.  We've learned those things from the hard knocks of experience as well as being facilitators with the Association for Marriage Enrichment (ACME).  We've also learned much from other couples who have shared with us or let us share with them.  Some of those things we've learned are:

1.   You aren't nearly as great a "catch" as you may think you are.  Most of us "married up."

2.   When God deals with a couple, God will give half the answer to one spouse and the other half of the information to the other.  In this manner God is working to make two individuals become one.  Or, in other words when you are so certain about what God is doing in your family, you might be half-right.

3.   Don't take yourself too seriously.  Have some humor about yourself, your ideas, plans, feelings, thoughts, etc.  Be able to laugh at yourself.  We really are funny folks who say silly things and do comical stuff, especially when we are trying so hard to be 'serious.'

4.   Have fun with each other, especially in the privacy and intimacy of your house.  Just make certain that the blinds are closed. 

5.   Remember that compromise means that neither spouse gets what they want--yep, neither one!

6.   Watch your language.  No, your spouse is not "just exactly like her mother or his father."

7.   Learn to say, "I'm sorry" and mean it.  However, If you are saying "I'm sorry" a lot of times then you may need the discipline of learning how to change a behavior or your spouse may need to learn how to give up the need for control.  Too much control is about anxiety and it is a 'pain' for everyone.  Realize that you aren't in control of nearly as much as you think, wish you were or pretend that you are.
8.   When you have disagreements, the goal is the preservation of the relationship--not to prove whose right and whose wrong.  Losing means that you've won the argument,  "proved" that you were right but, the relationship ends or is significantly diminished  There are a lot of "losers" who are certain that they are "right."

9.    Learn to "get over yourself."  When things aren't going like you want, learn to "get over it" and move on.  No one wants to be around someone who is sulking and/or passive aggressive; this is the attitude that says, "Okay, I'll go to the party, but you can't make me have a good time."  Usually, their behavior gives amply evidence of one's spirit--so, get over yourself.

10.  At least once a day, eat together at the table and talk about the day.  You didn't marry the television, your phone, the computer. newspaper, etc. so turn them off.  Your spouse's day, thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. are more interesting and important than what's on those devices. 

11.  Some things are not to be shared with your close friends, parents, children or in-laws.  Learn to share in such a respectful and trusting attitude so that you can work things out with your spouse.  If you get stuck, find a therapist and the therapist isn't you mother.