Bitter-Sweet Holidays

The Holidays can be bitter-sweet for many individuals and families. The holidays are a sweet experience as we gather and celebrate. The holidays are a bitter experience because someone is not going to be present with us. There is not a timeline by which to determine when the bitter time is complete. We will always miss our loved one. Hopefully, the grim times of missing our loved one will be less difficult as time goes by, but his/her absence will always be noticed. I share a suggestion for journeying through any bitter-sweet holidays. My suggestion is a general suggestion because each of us will deal with our grieving as we have developed our specific grief patterns from the past. My suggestion is that we do not ignore the loved one’s absence. Talk about him/her. One family bakes mother’s favorite pie at Christmas and it has a special place on the table. It is Mom’s continuing gift, even after she has passed. This family has also gathered some of mom’s favorite recipes and gave that collection as gifts. Not only was this a cherished gift to her children and grandchildren, but Mom knew they were going to do this as she was in the process of dying. She told me how that pleased her knowing that she was going to be remembered. Perhaps the family could gift some of Dad’s or Grandpa’s tools. With any such gifts, tell the stories of the recipes or tools. The holidays, as the family has gathered, is a wonderful time to tell the stories of our parents, grandparents, and ancestors. One of the most valuable gifts for children, grandchildren are the stories of their ancestors. I have fond memories of my grandmother talking about fording the Red River in a wagon and team of horses as she and her parents, my great-grandparents, traveled from Texas to Oklahoma. As you journey through a bitter-sweet Holiday season, realize that you already have some of the most wonderful gifts to share—the stories of the family.

Acceptance

Acceptance is one of the easy things to say and one of the most difficult things to make happen. How do I accept that which I do not want to accept? Is accepting something merely a nice word for giving up? How can I accept something which I do not believe is in my, or the other person’s, best interest? If I say that I accept something, how do I keep my mind from ruminating about that which I “have accepted?” I wish I had a good answer to each of these challenging questions. When the issue comes up that I am trying to accept, I remind myself that I am working toward acceptance. Acceptance requires my continual action; not something that is already accomplished. Perhaps it is best said that accepting is a better description than acceptance. Accepting has something to do with “letting go.” For me to become accepting, I must let go of my expectations. My expectations and my accepting seem to be working against each other. Therefore, accepting will involve letting go of my expectations. I am willing, by God’s grace, to be accepting of what happens. If I don’t like it, I will learn to deal with it in a healthy and appropriate manner of behavior as well as attitude. I really am in control of my behavior and attitude even though I am not in control of others and most circumstances. Perhaps accepting involves this sense of knowing what I may control and what I may not control as well as dealing with my expectations.

Decisions Have Consequences

Decisions have consequences. There is a time in the grieving process known as the ‘struggle between fantasy and reality.’ We recognize this period with our “what if …?” questions. For example, I am a fan of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team. What if the Reds had not fired Dusty Baker in 2013 because he could not win a World Series even though he repeatedly led the team into the playoffs. Last night Dusty won the World Series with the Houston Astros. I am also a fan of the OU football “Sooners” team having been raised in Norman, Oklahoma, and an alumnus of OU. Yesterday they lost to Baylor, their fourth loss this year. The OU Sooners rarely has a losing team and are usually among the top ranked nationally teams. What if the OU athletic powers had not decided to move into the Southeastern Conference in a couple of years and their winning coach, Lincoln Riley, had not left for southern California. Decisions have consequences. Some of our decisions are good and have wonderful consequences. However, some decisions have negative consequences, and we live and grieve those for a long time--if we have good memories

Daylight Savings Time

I am eager to turn our clocks back this Saturday evening. I think the reason we turn our clock forward is that businesses and families will have more daylight time in the summer evenings. I hope that business have made their money from the move and families have enjoyed the long summer evenings. However, I wish we would turn our clocks back earlier in the year, somehow aligned with the children’s school year. I do not like to think of children standing in the dark waiting on their school buses. If there is such an attitude of what is best for business versus children, I will always vote and advocate for the children without apology. So, I an eager to turn our clocks back one hour. In the future as this time issue arises again, I pray that our leaders will think of the children first and do whatever needs to be done with our sense of time and clocks to advantage the children.