The Haunted House of Insignificant Successes

“The Haunted House of Insignificant Successes” is a phrase in David Whyte’s book, CROSSING THE UNKNOWN SEA. “Yes, I recommend both the reading and pondering of this book.” In my practice as a psychotherapist, I hear individuals who have spent their life following someone else’s dream. If not another person’s dream, they have invested life in things, relationships, careers, etc. that have not sustained their life’s meaning and purpose. Such is indeed a “haunted house.” A career may be chosen for the promise of money, attention, prestige, power, etc. These motivations are not bad in themselves; however, they cannot create contentment because there is always a “more” or “bigger” bait that is luring. Neither “more” or “bigger” brings contentment. If one lives near poverty “more” may be essential. Those who live in poverty may be there because those of us who are out of poverty are hoarding our blessings. Most of us, however, do not live near the poverty level except in our sense of contentment. It is a sad reality that many individuals live at the poverty level of contentment. This gift of contentment may be discovered within oneself because others cannot give it to you. In your soul is the place where you may discover the dream or dreams that have been planted in you. Knowing and following your unique life’s purpose is the journey into contentment and the journey is the destination.

The Chow-chow

I ate a bowl of black-eyed peas made even more delicious by a large and heaping spoonful of chow-chow. I grew up with chow-chow. I remember both my Granny and Grandmother making chow-chow. I don’t recall with what we ate it, perhaps a bowl of black-eyed peas, but I do remember their chow-chow. Their chow-chow was different, although both were delicious. They both contained all types of shredded stuff, most of which I did not recognize. I can recall the smell, which was strong, like pickle juice. I could not tell the difference although I knew that I liked both. I did not have a favorite. It really did not make any difference what their chow-chow contained or how it was prepared, I knew it was made and offered in love. I am certain that love was the magic ingredient that made their chow-chow, as well as all their cooking so special and delicious. Isn’t it interesting how a bowl of black-eyed peas and some chow-chow bring back such wonderful memories. Thanks Granny and Grandma.

Unity Is Not Uniformity

Two recent conversations are laying on my mind. Both separate conversations were about leading their respective Churches (from two separate denominations) to a public declaration of inclusiveness. Both Churches publicizes their openness to all people, specifically the gay and lesbian community. I have thought they are so inclusive that they have almost become exclusive. I wish for the Churches that the liberals in politics and religion would be capable of sitting with the conservatives in politics and religion and talk and listen to each other with respect and seeking, not only understanding as to how the others have evolved to their places but, also, how we can work and worship together. I am personally weary of ‘who is right and who is wrong.’ It seems to me that we both are responsible for the great divisions in our world and our churches. It is as if we are all “too sure of ourselves”. Where is the humility that we might be, and surely are, wrong about some of the things we believe and teach. Do we push against social injustices? Absolutely. Is our goal to defeat them personally even think of them as the enemy? That goal does not seem correct. The denomination of which I have chosen to belong at this time believes in “relational missions.” Live respectfully among the others and learn from them and they may choose to learn from us but even if not, mutual respect will develop. I like that process and goal. I seek unity, not uniformity.

Toxic Faith

Toxic faith is real, unhealthy, and dangerous. In their book by the same title, Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton write, “Toxic faith is a destructive and dangerous relationship with a religion that allows the religion, not the relationship with God, to control a person’s life.” (slipcover of book). My colleague, Dr. Jennifer Degler, at the Interfaith Counseling Center recently gave a workshop on “How to Recognize and Respond to Ministry Burnout.” One of her repeated signs is to watch out for “bad theology.” Bad theology is toxic faith. Bad theology or toxic faith sees God as something other than a loving and forgiving eternal being whose primary purpose is to bring wholeness, healing, and forgiveness to all of us. Good theology is trusting that ‘God loves me’ and there is nothing I can do to make God love me more than God loves me this moment and there is nothing that I have ever done that has caused or will cause God cease loving me. God does not put harsh or unhealthy expectations on us; we do a more than adequate job of doing that to ourselves and others. God loves me and cares for me even more than I love and care for myself. This truth is more than I can comprehend so I trust that God really means it. Healthy trust or faith is like a child who rests in his/her mother’s/father’s arms because the child knows, beyond words, understanding or cognition, that all is well. Jesus said, “You must be like little children.” (Matthew 18:3). Toxic faith or bad theology is binding whereas healthy faith and good theology is freeing.

The Tyranny of the Should

I do not like the word or concept of ‘should.’ I will also add others to that list, words such as ‘ought,’ need to,’ ‘have to,’ ‘must,’ etc. Yes, when I was young, I needed those “shoulds”, expectations, and boundaries from my parents, grandparents, and people whom I trusted. They told me what I “should” and “should not” be doing and I trusted them so I tried, as best I could, to be obedient. However, I am now an adult and I no longer want to have others ‘shoulds’ imposed on me. I will decide for myself if I ‘should’ or “should not.” A ‘should’ is an expectation. It may be an expectation that others are seeking to impose on me, or it may be one that I have put on myself. Expectations are necessary in my life, but they may also become an unnecessary burden. I want to be thoughtful and sufficiently aware of myself, others, and God that I intentionally choose what “shoulds” I accept. “German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885-1952) had a phrase for this: ‘the tyranny of the should.’ She viewed shoulds as dividing our personalities into two selves: an ideal self and a real self. When we do not live up to the ideal self, we are split, and our inner critic comes out.” (Wikipedia) I recall reading Karen Horney in college and discovering all my “shoulds.” That was a significant waking up time for me, my “shoulds” and silencing all my critical voices (which are still not all as silent as I would like). I want to be careful with any of the shoulds because they can be life-giving, or they may be life-shrinking and defeating.