The Tyranny of the Should

I do not like the word or concept of ‘should.’ I will also add others to that list, words such as ‘ought,’ need to,’ ‘have to,’ ‘must,’ etc. Yes, when I was young, I needed those “shoulds”, expectations, and boundaries from my parents, grandparents, and people whom I trusted. They told me what I “should” and “should not” be doing and I trusted them so I tried, as best I could, to be obedient. However, I am now an adult and I no longer want to have others ‘shoulds’ imposed on me. I will decide for myself if I ‘should’ or “should not.” A ‘should’ is an expectation. It may be an expectation that others are seeking to impose on me, or it may be one that I have put on myself. Expectations are necessary in my life, but they may also become an unnecessary burden. I want to be thoughtful and sufficiently aware of myself, others, and God that I intentionally choose what “shoulds” I accept. “German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885-1952) had a phrase for this: ‘the tyranny of the should.’ She viewed shoulds as dividing our personalities into two selves: an ideal self and a real self. When we do not live up to the ideal self, we are split, and our inner critic comes out.” (Wikipedia) I recall reading Karen Horney in college and discovering all my “shoulds.” That was a significant waking up time for me, my “shoulds” and silencing all my critical voices (which are still not all as silent as I would like). I want to be careful with any of the shoulds because they can be life-giving, or they may be life-shrinking and defeating.