Masculinity

This morning as I was driving to work, I listened to an NPR segment about the ever-increasing use of testosterone by men.  This evidently follows an increase in the use of drugs , such as Viagra.  We men seem to be having a lot of difficult with our sense of masculinity.  As the NPR interview with a gentleman progressed there was an admission of being overweight.  I thought that perhaps the gentleman needed some exercise and discipline about eating before he needed drugs.  However, that was a prejudicial thought since I don't know the gentleman nor his situation.  I think a sense of masculinity needs to include my character and the values and morals that direct my attitudes and behaviors.  I also think masculinity includes the ability to give ego-less attention to others.  I need to appreciate and affirm the uniqueness of other people. Most things really aren't about me, my desires and needs.  Perhaps this is a significant clue to a sense of masculinity.

Healthy Relationships

David Richo in his book,  How To Be An Adult in Relationships, suggests that following five "As" can lead toward healthy adult relationships.  Such relationships are a universal desire.  His "As" are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing.  By allowing he means that we allow or permit the other person to be themselves.  As a Marriage and Family Therapist I see many couples who are having difficulty because one spouse is trying to make the other into the person they want them to be.  To try and create another person in the image I think they should have is a type of blasphemy.  God is the creator; we're not.  Not only is it blasphemy, but it makes for a lot of frustration, anger, conflict, push back, etc.  Acceptance and allowing aren't easy.  I would add another "A" to his list.  I would add accountability that is mutual. Mutual accountability means that healthy adult relationships don't harbor secrets.  Certainly there needs to be some privacy and confidentiality in health relationships, but secrets are different.  Secrets are a deliberate hiding.  Accountability is a good prescription for secrets.  Accountability is to be mutual which is the only way that trust can be developed, maintained and re-established.  

Back To Basics To Make Progress

We are having our kitchen completely redone.  When I write "completely," I mean the workers have removed the old drywall, plaster and furring strips from the walls and ceiling.  They have also pulled out the old electric wires as well as the old plumbing.  In addition, they've removed several layers of floor covering and revealed the original hardwood.  They are down to the basics of what used to be a kitchen since 1927 when the house was constructed.  Now they will begin the work of constructing a completely new kitchen. There are times when you have to go back to the basics in order to make progress.  Getting back to the basics can be a lot of work, takes more time and often messes are created.  Nevertheless, it is often the best thing to get back to the basics whether the basic is a new kitchen, new habits or a new attitude and way of responding to life's situations.

Keeping Focus Is Not Always Easy

My wife wanted me to go to the grocery store.  She only had a few items on her mind and I knew that we were about out of peanut butter.  From my perspective peanut butter is crucial.  When the house is about empty of peanut butter, it is really time to go to the grocery.  So, off I went to the grocery.  I like going to the grocery store because I like to watch people, in addition to gathering food items.  I watched the people as they shopped.  Some of them had a written list, others had their phones out reading a list; some folks look real carefully at an item while others just grab and move.  I got home and had purchased everything that my wife had asked me to get.  I did good.  However, she remarked that she thought I was also going to get a jar of peanut butter.  It is easy for me to loose my focus, especially when there are so many things and people around me.  Next time, I'll write peanut butter on a list.  Keeping focus is not as easy a personal discipline as it may sound.

Recognition, a hoped for reality

My wife's mother is in a nursing home in Bentonville, Arkansas.  She and the family are having to deal with her Alzheimer's disease.  It is a difficult reality when one's physical capacity out lives one's mental capacity. It has been two months since we have been able to make the trip from Kentucky so we could visit with her. When we walked into the nursing home, she looked at us for a brief time with a puzzled look, then smiled and said, "Hello."  She knew our names.  When we said that we had traveled from Kentucky, she was confused.  She didn't understand why we were in Kentucky, even though we have lived in Kentucky since 1965.  Nevertheless, she recognized us and was able to recall a few details about our family, work, etc.  Not only is it important that we're recognized, but it is also important that we are able to recognize others.  The tag line for one of my favorite television shows, was "Where everybody knows your name."

Essential?

During the past couple of snow and ice events in Lexington, some of the large institutions in town have said that the non-essential employees did not have to come to work at their regular times.  When I heard this announcement, I wondered what makes one employee essential and another non-essential.  I made the assumption that essential employees are those who kept the institution functioning, ex., answering the telephones, paying bills, cleaning the sidewalks, etc.  Their announcement also made me ponder the question of whether or not I was essential.  I'm a Counselor and Spiritual Companion, so how essential is that?  I guess my question was answered by my clients and directees.  Some showed up for their appointments and other called in to re-schedule.  I did, however, go to the Center early on those days to clean our sidewalk and steps so, perhaps, I'm more essential than I sometimes think.  

Sometimes Help Is Necessary

We have a Case Conference monthly at the Counseling Center where I work.  Today, I talked about a difficult situation with which I was involved as the Counselor.  The answer was obvious except that I was so close to the situation that I wasn't able to see it.  My colleagues were very clear and helpful.  It is sometimes difficult for me to admit that I need assistance.  Yesterday my wife was flying to northwest Arkansas but due to mechanical problems with aircraft her flight was delayed then cancelled.  She spent the night in Atlanta.  We talked about the next morning, getting a new boarding pass, etc.  She arrived in Arkansas and was very grateful for me support.  Anyone can get involved in situations in which help is needed.  Asking for and accepting help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of healthy self-esteem to ask for assistance.