Marriage, Separation, Divorce? What Shall I Do?

You have been married for twenty years and you describe your marriage and yourself as unhappy. You are considering separation and possibly divorce. You have decided to see a therapist. If you were coming to see me, I would want to know what kinds of losses and transitions you have experienced in these past several years. I would ask that question because statistics indicate that most mid-life separations and divorces are often related to losses and transitions that have not been internally processed. Transitions cause some degree of trauma and more transitions = more traumas. Transition traumas take a heavy cost of which most folks are unaware. Transitions costs are often evidenced: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, sexually, financially, spiritually, etc. Transition traumas are no ‘small matter.’ Unfortunately, we often don’t think of transitions as traumas. One response to trauma is flight. It is the attitude of, “I have to get away because I am unhappy. I want to get away from anything and everyone that reminds me of my situation.” Unfortunately trying to run from our transition traumas doesn’t work because we take the trauma with us—internally. All of us have our transition traumas—they are a part of life. They need to be acknowledged, faced, explored, and ultimately made peace with. They have a lot to teach us. This internal work is much more difficult than adjustment work. Unfortunately, many folks refuse to do this internal work. They remain outwardly ‘okay’ but inwardly they are unhappy, never satisfied, have low-grade anger, and quick to blame others or situations. In a marriage there is no innocent (translated ‘victim’) party. A healthy relationship is a mutual relationship in which (1) we both have internal work to do as well as (2) work on the relationship. When folks refuse to do the internal work, there is usually not much chance of working on the relationship and reconciliation. First, I must be reconciled with myself, which includes all of my life’s history and experiences. Personal reconciliation is always a prerequisite to reconciliation with another.

Happiness = Me and My Shadow

In my work as a psychotherapist I usually hear folks say they are seeking happiness. Usually those folks are looking for a different spouse, job, house, car, etc. in the journey to find happiness. They often blame one of these realities for the fact that they don’t feel happy. I think happiness is an inside job. By inside job, I mean that happiness is to be found within myself. Nobody else and no external things such as a job, house, car, etc. can make me happy. Those things are not unimportant but neither are they as significant as we sometimes want to believe. I suspect there are parts of ourselves and our particular history that we haven’t accepted and with which we haven’t made peace that could be causing us to think we are not happy. Many therapists call those things our “shadows.” I agree. My journey into deeper happiness, and I’ll add the words contentment and peace will involve my acknowledging, accepting, befriending and learning from my shadows.